• Chuck Bronson

Best Public restrooms in America | The 9 cleanest places to poop on a road trip.

Updated: Jan 29, 2019

Everybody loves road trips, its no secret America. Pit stops are part of the Adventure. We’ve all been there. The guts start rumbling in the middle of nowhere on some highway in the middle of nothing. Well sir’s and madam’s I have painstakingly assembled some toilet reading for you to peruse with your pants on your shoes.

#9 The Local Park

This one is an easy stand by and most obvious. Honestly if you need me to tell you that parks have a dookie throne, you've probably just shit your pants. Park bathrooms are EXTREMELY hit or miss. Atlanta has incredibly clean bathrooms that spray cinnamon roll scented aerosol on a motion sensor. Ohio has horrible park bathrooms that looked like abandoned prison latrines from a more barbaric time.

#8 The Gym

If you have a gym membership, use it. The way I look at it, some people go to the gym and only use the treadmill and nothing is wrong with that. So whats wrong with me paying a gym membership exclusively to have 24hr access to toilet? Or a shower? or the sink? or water fountain? Thats gym equipment just as much as the treadmill or the cable machine. The drawback here is the gym dues but hey, nature calls. This works a lot better for gyms that are open 24 hrs and aren’t all that busy. Also avoid peak hours.

#7 The Rest Stop/ Truck Stop/ Walmart

Okay same with the gym, avoid peak hours. You DO NOT want to be in a truck stop mens room in the morning when them good ol’ boys get to busting em off before they get on the road for that long ride. Chocked full of all you can eat truck stop buffet and kicked started on cheap coffee, meth, and you guessed it, truck stop morning buffet. This environment can be overwhelming to the senses but they don’t put a sign on out front like they do with other things that would trigger an epileptic or pregnant woman.

#6 The Wild

This may sound crude to individual of weaker constitution. I am no liar. Answering natures call, in nature is natural, glorious and beautiful. Just dig a hole of adequate dimension before you drop. If you're the type of person to take photos of your food, this will be of useful reference in sizing the hole. You could dig the hole after your make, but then you gotta dig the hole while your stinkin’ turd is gathering flies just laying there staring at you while you dig its grave. Then you have to roll the log into the hole without getting a new paint job on your shovel.

#5 Wherever you are currently eating

This one requires pre planning and could be expensive but you have to eat anyways so may as well kill two birds with one stone. Plus there is something satisfying about taking an overpriced eatery to task for their pomp, and you get what you pay for. The nicer the restaurant, generally the nicer the facilities. It is a bit of a skill getting the timing right, needing to eat and needing to void at the same time.

#4 Major Home Improvement chain

The orange one has great bathrooms. Generally better than the blue one. Tile floors, plenty of stalls, generally clean. They usually open early and close late, they are every decent sized village. Similar to truck stops, you must avoid these places at peak hours. Construction workers are nearly as bad as truck drivers. I don’t know about you but its nice to have a walk around the place while I loosen up.

#3 The Library

Libraries are public, they have toilets, thats a public toilet. Closed on sundays and holidays and limited hours. Generally clean, safe, privatish.

#2 A friends house

This one also requires some pre planning or maybe just luck but a friends house is about as good as it gets on the road. Depending on how tidy your friend is of course. Also depends on you having a friend in range. Highly situational, to say the least.

#1 Major pet chains

Bet you wouldn't think of Petco as a great place to take a shit. Well fucko, thats the genius of it! If they say anything about it, just say you couldn't find the product you were looking for. Also they are usually in big shopping centers with giant signs you can see from the highway. So if you that sign you're close to relief.

Happy trails, happy travels. Always wipe once more than you think you need to. If you liked this guide, subscribe to the site and stay updated on news and content!

Check out my blog on why you should buy a cast iron pan